Washington, DC Traffic
Chances are, if you don't live in DC or near it you won't understand. BE GLAD... For those who plan to visit our area...
First, you must learn to call it by its rightful name. It is DC or 'the District' - only tourists call it Washington.
Next, if your road map of Montgomery County is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. It's obsolete. If in Loudoun or Fairfax County and your map is one day old, it's already obsolete.
There is no such thing as a dangerous high speed chase in D.C. It's just another chase, usually on the BW Parkway.
All directions start with 'The Beltway'... which has no beginning and no end - just one continuous loop that locals believe is somehow clarified by an inner' and 'outer' loop designation. This makes no sense to ANYONE outside the area.
The morning rush hour is from 5 to 11 AM. The evening rush hour is from 1 to 8 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning, especially during the summer on Route 50 eastbound.
If there is a ball game at the Redskins stadium, there is no point driving anywhere near PG County. Tip: Never say PG County to anyone from Mitchellville, Upper Marlboro or Fort Washington (its Prince Georges County). They'll blow a vessel in their neck and go into a seizure.
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended and shot at. If you run the red light, be sure to smile for the $100 'picture' you will receive courtesy of DMV. (However, if you don't go as soon as the light turns green, you will get cussed out in 382 languages.)
Rain causes an immediate 50 point drop of IQ in drivers. Snow causes a 100 point drop in IQ and a rush to the nearest Giant or Safeway for toilet paper and milk.
Construction on I-270 is a way of life and a permanent source of scorn and cynical entertainment. It's ironic that it's called an 'Interstate, ' but runs only from Bethesda to Frederick. (Unless you consider Montgomery County another state, which some do). Opening in the 60's, it has been torn up and under reconstruction ever since. Also, it has a 'Spur' section which is even more confusing.
All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, 'Oh, we're in Takoma Park'.
If someone actually has their turn signal on, they are by definition a tourist.
Car horns are actually 'Road Rage' indicators. Heed the warning.
All old ladies in Buicks have the right of way in the area of Leisure World.
Many roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections. Don't ask why, no one knows. (aka Cherry Hill to Randolph - my aunt swore Randolph Road could take you anywhere)
If asking directions in Arlington, Langley Park, Wheaton or Adams Morgan, Spanish helps. If in Annandale, Cambodian or Vietnamese will come in handy. If on Dupont Circle, Capital Hill or U Street, tolerance for same sex relationships helps.
If you stop to ask directions in Southeast... well, just don't.
A taxi ride across town will cost you $12.50. A taxi ride two blocks will cost you $16.75. (It's a zone thing, you wouldn't understand.)
Traveling south out of DC on Interstate 395/95 is the most dangerous, scariest thing you will ever do.
There is nothing more comforting then seven lanes of traffic cruising along at 85 mph, BUMPER TO BUMPER!!! (Truer words have never been written!)
The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85. Anything less is considered down right sissy.
The open lane for passing on all Maryland interstates is the far right lane because no self-respecting Marylander would ever be caught driving in the 'slow' lane. Unofficially, both shoulders are fair game also. The far left lanes on all Maryland interstates are official 'chat' lanes reserved for drivers who wish to talk on their cell phones. Note: All SUV's have priority clearance to use the far left at whatever speed the driver feels most comfortable multi-tasking in.
The Beltway is our daily version of a NASCAR reality show. Strap up and collect points as you go!
(I have no idea who wrote this, but it is pretty darn accurate)